| FUNNY
MOCHI
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JOKES |
Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering
a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will
remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and
all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order
to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing
a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about
sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do
this. The only information that I require from you is an indication
of when you expect to have my daughter safely back in my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is "EARLY".
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay
with my daughter. However, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer
than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing
there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil
in my car.
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen or
nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where
there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the
ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls,
a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies
with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old
folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle
aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your Universe. If I ask
you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind my house. Do
not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in
over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts
acting up, the voices in my head tell me to clean my guns as I
wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into
my driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain
sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice
that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then
return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face you see at the window is mine.
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