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Top 30 Signs You'v Joined a Cheap HMO
The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance
Organizations has many Americans worried. Here are the "Top 30
Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO"
- Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
- Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized
experimental procedure,"
- Head-wound victim in the waiting room
is on the last chapter of "War and Peace,"
- You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle
stick and duct tape.
- Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
- Exam room has a tip jar.
- You swear you saw salad tongs and a
crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia
kicked in.
- "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
- Tight budget prevents acquisition of
separate rectal thermometers.
- "Take two leeches and call me in the
morning,"
- The company logo features a hand squeezing
a bleeding turnip.
- Tongue depressors taste faintly of
Fudgesicle.
- Covered postnatal care consists of
leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
- Radiation treatment for cancer patients
requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl
in their pocket.
- "Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is
a box of Tic-Tacs.
- Chief Surgeon graduated from University
of Benihana.
- Directions to your doctor's office
include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
- Doctor listens to your heart through
a paper towel tube.
- Only item listed under Preventive Care
feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
- Only participating Physicians are Dr.
Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
- Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus"
from Roto-Rooter.
- Plan covers only "group" gynecological
exams.
- Preprinted prescription pads that say
"Walk it off, you sissy."
- To avoid a time consuming and expensive
throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
- Recycled bandages.
- You can get your flu shot as soon as
"the" hypodermic needle is dry.
- Your "primary care physician" is wearing
the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
- 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
- Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced
by an oversized 2-sided copier.
- Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels
to face upward
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